As September is nearly upon us (Tomorrow), during my morning devotions I realized how disappointed I am. I asked “Why am I disappointed?”, or “What is the feeling i have and why is it causing me associate it with disappointment?”. Then I realized that during our process of deputation I haven’t met any of my goals as a missionary.
When we initially asked our friends and family to partner with us to become missionaries we told them we were planning to leave for Haiti January of 2017. Then, we didn’t make our fundraising goal of 100%. We didn’t reach 100% by a LONG way, in fact we were only about a quarter funded when I had expected to be fully funded. I was disappointed.
With background of business management I said, “Lets look at the numbers,” and we reset our goal for fall of 2017. I know that God wants us to be in Haiti and the more I have learned about Haiti and the Kreyòl culture the more I love the people that God is preparing us to serve; however, Lynette and I keep feeling the calling of “Not yet, but keep going. It is My schedule, not yours”. It is now the end of August and we are only 50% funded and a fall departure is not possible. I was disappointed.
In June and July of this year, Lynette and I attended classes at Indiana University in Bloomington Indiana for Haitian Kreyòl. This was probably one of the hardest, most challenging experiences on our journey this far. We would go to class and I would struggle to grasp even the most simple concepts and words, even while everyone else in the class would be ready to move on. I went to class every day for two months and felt like I wasn’t learning anything. I was disappointed.
The definition of disappointed is: sad or displeased because someone or something has failed to fulfill one’s hopes or expectations.
I as I was reading this morning, I wondered why; while in the center of God’s will, being His servant and allowing Him to light my path, Why am I disappointed? Is it my lack of faith? Am I not prepared? We preach and talk to congregations across the United States about God qualifying the called and how we are called to walk in obedience. But WHY am I feeling disappointed? Then my devotion today encouraged me:
Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
Then I realized like so many times before; I’m not disappointed in God, I’m disappointed in me. I’m weary! I’m tired! I don’t want to talk about going to Haiti, I want to be in Haiti. I am so glad that God has given me the power to faint. Because when a person faints they stop, they pause, they hit the ground hard, lay there stunned, and slowly try to regain strength. I find it curious that after someone faints, the last thing they think about doing is flying like an eagle, but that is the way God works. It isn’t by my strength that I regain consciousness and jump up, but it is His renewal that gives me the water that I might never thirst again.
Here we are going into the fall and I don’t have any idea of the timing that God has for my family to leave everything that is comfortable, but until that time comes I will rise up everyday and say, “Here I am Lord, use me.”